Behind Blue Eyes
by Sabaye Leyr
Summary: Remus and Sirius right after the Potter's death in 1981. They both think they're alone, they both are trying to deal with death and betrayel. Angsty, and slightly slashy.


Behind Blue Eyes   
by Sabaye Leyr

  


It was winter again, and there was a nearly full moon in the night sky.   
Remus Lupin hated the nearly full moons. They meant the full moon was coming soon, and he didn't like the ripping transformation into a savage, unfeeling animal. Or, maybe, that was just what he needed. To be an unfeeling animal.   
Letting the sea mist hit his face, Remus moved his legs in time to a soft, haunting song in his head. He began to hum, looking over the shadowed waters.   
He could stop it all.   
A venture into the infinate blackness of the ocean water, and he'd be free.   
Free from remembering Halloween 1981. Free from remembering Sirius, and Peter.   
Remus had never really, deeply, cared for Peter, not like he had his other friends. Peter, was a friend. Not a soul mate.   
That didn't mean it didn't hurt. It just didn't hurt as much as the fact James Potter was dead, and his best friend had killed him.   
Remus didn't know which was worse, coming to terms that Prongs was gone, or that Sirius had betrayed them all, that he'd lied to them all that time.   
He was sick to his stomach again, that happened often. This time, however, he didn't think it was because of his curse of being a werewolf.   
It was sadness. Overwhelming, consuming hatred and sadness.   
He hated Sirius for killing James and Peter, he hated Sirius for destroying his world, he hated Sirius...for...leaving...him. Alone.   
"Great, now I'm gay _and _I'm a werewolf. There goes your dreams of world popularity, Remus." he harshly told himself. 

_No one knows what it's like_   
_To be the bad man_   
_To be the sad man_   
_Behind blue eyes_

He'd known it for a while, that he'd fallen in love with Sirius. He wasn't gay, he'd never looked at a guy before like that. He'd dated his share of girls. It was Sirius the person he fell in love with. If he ever got over Sirius, he'd probably date a woman again, because there was _no one_ like Sirius.   
The Ministry kept dragging him in for questioning on the Potters' death. They knew that he was Sirius's close friend, and that he was a werewolf, so they suspected him to be in league with the Dark Side, and Sirius.   
"The Wizarding world isn't what it seems. Not a paradise, the wizards are just as bad as muggles." Remus stated, sighing. He had no life left at this point in time. No where to go, no job to work at. Of course, no friends left. 

_No one knows what it's like_   
_To be hated_   
_To be fated_   
_To telling only lies_

He'd have to go back, back to the world of lying about what he was.   
He'd never had to lie around Sirius.   
Remus smacked himself this time, he didn't want to remember.   
Why did Sirius lie to him? Why? What possessed him to kill James? And Lily?   
A single tear trickled down his cheek as Remus gritted his teeth. He wished he had more control over his thoughts.   
Remus had learned long ago that wishing got you no where.   
Emotions of these kinds run in circles; Remus was suddenly filled with heart-breaking rage, a hatred that he wished that he had never felt before. 

_I have hours, only lonely_   
_My love is vengeance_   
_That's never free_ __

Some would say Remus should go to couselling, to stop his hate and rage, to help him heal. No phsycitrist could help him. No one could. The only people who would have been able to were no longer of the sane or the living. 

_No one knows what it's like_   
_To feel these feelings_   
_Like I do_   
_And I blame you_ __

Remus Lupin hated Sirius Black. 

~~ 

Sirius Black cowered in Azkaban, a filthy, matted wreak of a man. No more charming words, no mischevious smile to light his features, and no more laughing was present in this man's eyes, he was a stone of horrible emotions.   
Inside, he was churning with great waves of anger and sorrow.   
James. James was dead. And so was Lily.   
It was his fault.   
The dementers swarmed around him in an eerie, foul pack when he leapt up in anger, tearing hopelessly at the bars of his cell.   
"Peter! You bastard, I'll get you! I swear on James's grave, _you will pay!_" he screamed, flailing in unexpressable rage and betrayel. 

_No one bites back as hard_   
_On their anger_   
_None of my pain and woe_   
_Can show through_ __

Deadly cold suddenly consumed him, biting at his will to live. A destroyed, smoking house and the pitious, anguished filled wails of Harry cut through his senses, and visions of October 13 flooded his mind in a forceful wave.   
Sirius fought them.   
_I am innocent._   
James' features, frozen in death. Sirius had to force his eyes and mouth closed, making his best friend look peaceful in his premature death. He'd never forget how horrible James' final expression had been, how cold and unearthly his skin had been to Sirius's touch.   
_I am innocent._   
Lily sprawled out on the ground, Harry still clutched tightly in her arms. Blood was pouring from Harry's forehead onto her porcelian skin. Sirius started to shake as he healed Harry and cleaned Lily up. He had to close her eyes, too, although the rest of her features were calm and peaceful; unlike James'. The dead in her brilliant green eyes still haunted Sirius.   
_I...am innocent..._   
Remus's betrayed face. The days before he was taken to Azkaban were a blurr; that was the only distinct image he could recall.   


_I have hours, only lonely_   
_My love is vengeance_   
_That's never free_

__

Remus. Remus believed he'd killed James.   
Sweet, quiet spoken Remus. The Remus that had always kept him out of the worst trouble, the Remus that had always listened along with James to whatever Sirius had to say.   
The Remus he loved hated him. 

_When my fist clenches, crack it open_   
_Before I use it and lose my cool_   
_When I smile, tell me some bad news_   
_Before I laugh and act like a fool_ __

Sirius Black had nothing left. He gave up his fight, slumping to the dusty, cold floor. He curled up into a ball, letting out a broken cry of sorrow. He began to sob; hacking, tearing, dry sobs that indicated a sorrow to great for tears.   
Sirius cried without tears. He sobbed so hard be began to cough up blood, but he didn't notice. He had nothing left, no one would care if he cried his existance away. But he couldn't do that.   
He wanted to die. 

~~ 

Morning began to seep over the mountains, and Remus mutely watched the moon. With the sunrise, he was reminded of Sirius's real smile.   
Remus couldn't take it anymore, he started crying, silent tears running down his face. He cried himself to sleep on that cold, dusty rock.   
He awoke the next evening, trembling.   
There was a full moon in the sky.   
He felt his joints melt and grind, and he howled, almost instantly becoming a Wolf.   
Remus began to tear at the rock, at himself, grabbing his tail in his jaws and breaking it easily.   
The pitious cries of pain and lonely howls were in sync with the thrasings of his soul.   
He wanted to die.   
  
__   


_No one knows what it's like_   
_To be the bad man_   
_To be the sad man_   
_Behind blue eyes___

_~FIN~_


End file.
